Ode to Majoor Bosshardt | Yes it all seems very special, but I'm just doing my job

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MAJOR

We see birth cards and Christmas cards from Dutch celebrities everywhere, including some handwritten by Queen Beatrix and Máxima and Willem-Alexander.

Cup of tea?
I'll make you a cup of tea
It won't take long
The kettle
Handy 
So fast with these modern appliances
Or would you prefer soup
You may choose
I have tea and I have soup in a bag
With me you always get a cup of tea or a cup of soup
Name it

(The phone rings)

Oh 
yes 
well
excuse
(answers)
Yes hello
Major Bosshardt
yes of course
better if you call right back
fine
(finishes)
Excuse moi
where was I?
of course
the tea

(The phone rings)

Unbelievable
I'm sorry
(picks up)

Yes hello
Major Bosshardt
yes
But can you be
fine

(finishes)
Everyone calls me Major
Actually, I've been a lieutenant colonel for a while now
But that's such a mouthful right away huh
So everyone calls me Major
Just say Major
I do that myself
I don't mind at all

(The phone rings)

No now
it's not true
I'm so sorry
(picks up)
Major Bosshardt
Yes
No, actually not
Much better
Goodbye
(finishes)
And now the plug goes out
So
Yes
I'm terribly sorry
I'm happy with the phone
Without the phone
I can't imagine that either
Yes, that's how it goes
But this is going a bit too far
Since I received that award
Yad Vashem award
(show award)
from Jerusalem
the Jewish corner
Never expected
During the war, I simply made sure those children were given shelter
but I thought that was perfectly normal
I had no idea how dangerous what I was doing was
An award after all
The cupboard here is full of decorations
But I never wear them
Otherwise I'd be askew
(laughs)
Anyway
since this award
really
the phone
just goes and goes and goes
the whole day through
My phone doesn't stop ringing
They must be thinking: "we have to get that one quick
before she passes out"
(laughs)
That doesn't surprise me at all
I'm already 91
You don't have eternal life
Nobody has eternal life
Not even me
(laughs)
It all seems very special
But I'm just a simple woman
I was approaching 50
just retired
and suddenly I was dragged in front of the TV
and suddenly I became a public woman
While I had been with prostitutes (public women in Dutch) for years
I was just doing my job 
Was to be found day and night on the Red Light District
those girls needed me
There where I was needed
There I was to be found
I still am
When they need me
they pick me
from behind the geraniums
fine
I get picked up and dropped off
because I don't walk so easily any more
but that's fine
What more could you want?
Fine anyway
We are in this world to help each other
right
We are sent by God
Then we find peace
and we can think of ourselves
But even then you can sometimes
roll up your sleeves

(pause)

Oh help the tea
completely forgotten
I still have several flavours
pickwick ordinary
pickwick autumn
pickwick star mix
name it

(pours tea)

Just give me 
Plain pickwick
at least I understand that
All those strange flavours
I'm just a simple woman
That's just the way I am
While there's even a plane named after me
a Boeing or something
I'm not even pretty
I'm just doing my job

(pause)

But I do have the Queen

(She walks to the cupboard and grabs a card with Beatrix's portrait)

Together with the Queen
on the red-light district and everything
incognito and everything

(She beams as she looks at the queen's portrait)

Since then we have been friends
and we regularly write 
letters sometimes a card

(She puts the card back)

Yes it all seems very special
But I'm just doing my job
I didn't want to go to school
I didn't want to learn
I did want to learn
But my brothers worked too
Well then I wanted to work too
I really wanted to be a nurse
I would be too weak
Too weak to be a nurse
Isn't it incredible
me too weak
And so I joined the Army
The uniform
I loved that
Ranks and positions
you really have to work your way up
That appealed to me
But apart from that it is
a simple institution
not too profound

(pause)

I always went my own way
Just made sure I didn't make any trouble
so I could go about my business
and meanwhile I thought "You guys just watch it"
I think that's the right attitude
to achieve anything in your life
Because now I'm a lieutenant colonel
and in tenth place
of the Greatest Dutchmen of all time
Unbelievable isn't it
I had to laugh
when out of all the names in the top ten
only one is still alive
that is a bit crazy
and a bit later in that programme of what's his name
yes excuse me
I can't remember everything
The Chair 
that programme
with Herman Brood
I got to wash his back
and then he jumped off the roof
my phone was ringing off the hook again
I suddenly had to know everything about him
that man
poor man
didn't have it easy either
yes
you have to be able to understand that
I think
you don't just jump off the roof
of the Hilton
seems to me

(pause)

So now I'm a lieutenant colonel

(pause)

All churches preach the Word
The Army preaches word and deed
Every person in need can knock on our door
for a bed, a bite to eat and a talk about God

(pause)

So if I can do anything for you

(pause)

If I hadn't joined the Army
I would have become a nurse
but God decided otherwise
and asked me to marry him

(laughs)

So I married 
to God
and lead a domestic life
with the girls
with the children
with the tramps 
and with God

(A proud smile)

Celebrating Christmas together
I read the gospel
Very cosy
Then why still practice a form of living together privately
no need for it

(Stirs contentedly in her cup of tea for a while, takes too big a sip and chokes)

A friend or fiancée
what nonsense
That's just the way I am
But the thing with the queen
that was quite special
But whether you're a prostitute
or queen
Don't nag but do it
as long as it's fun
That's what I like
Conviviality
Cup of tea with that

(break)

Would you like another cup?
Biscuit with that?
I have those cinnamon biscuits.
Dangerously delicious

(With a big smile, she pours the guest some tea and offers a biscuit)

It used to be
Shut your mouth
you get to eat
and when it gets dark
you go to bed

(break)

That's how it was at my house
So

(pause)

That's different now
thankfully
But it should be 
at my age

(pause)

No more tea?

(A silence falls. Then she plugs the phone back in, the phone rings immediately)

Excuse me
please forgive me
but that was to be expected of course

(She picks up the phone)

Yes, hello
Major Bosshardt speaking
Yes, of course
No, of course not
no problem at all
absolutely no problem
one moment please

(She puts the telephone receiver next to the hook, then walks to the door and gestures the guest to leave)

Excuse me

(She walks back to the phone)

Yes
Here I am again
I'm all ears

(The guest leaves)