Ode to Fanny Blankers Koen | The housewife who could fly

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FANNY

(Fanny's little room is full of (pictures of) trophies, medals, cups, pictures of herself. The moment a visitor makes his entrance, Fanny noisily blows her nose)

Excuse me
I didn't see you 
what a reception
I'm sorry

(Blow her nose)

Such a terrible cold
it makes me tired
Just keep a little 
distance.
Since I stopped exercising
I'm always tired and cold
I'm always sniffling
Must be part of saying goodbye
that snivelling
Since I don't move anymore
Better keep exercising
But I'm not that fast anymore
well
you understand
my fitness isn't what it used to be either
so it would just be an embarrassment

(Blow her nose)

Running and blowing your nose
don't mix

(pause)

I'm not even allowed to run anymore
There's nowhere to run here
Too small
to make a dash for it

(pause)

I'd love to do something again
(She stares ahead)
Keep moving
go go go go
(supposedly unloads a starting shot) 
Bang!
Death!
(laughs at her harsh joke)
Witty
Yes very witty
Cause I'm a ghost
a very witty one
(laughs heartily, but continues sternly)
In other words
I am not here
I am there
but only in your memory
in your head
I am your memory 
Beautiful isn't it
because this is not reality
For this is the hereafter
I live among the dead
you are here with me among the dead
yes
really

(she sneezes)

does that scare you
or do you find it 
witty

(laughs and then blows her nose)

Only not so much happens anymore
when you're dead
because you can't do anything anymore
except snivel
no matter how much you want to
you don't get to participate anymore 
time stands still
If you are dead
dot

(She pulls out a blue box with a pink ribbon)

When you get to the gates of heaven
you hand over your last breath
the colour of your eyes
your hunger and thirst
your greatest hobbies
your greatest talents 
your humour
Though secretly 
a little humour
because you have to have 
something to laugh about
Right
and then
all the best features
in a blue box
with a pretty pink ribbon
which then goes to someone else
to the next 
the next sportswoman of the century
for example

(pause)

but I got my ass kicked
that day when it was so stormy 
and those big waves
and the roof tiles flying around
and the rain against the attic window
the window in a thousand pieces against the wood of the floor
and the water pouring in
through the hole in the window 
and through the cracks of the door
flowed and flowed
until the houses flooded metres deep
all towels and sandbags notwithstanding
that day

(pause)

in the middle of the harsh winter
around Christmas
a cold dark weekday 
I was given hell
they had found out
I had forgotten something
forgot to put it in the blue box
they said I did it on purpose
but I would never do anything like that on purpose
I wouldn't want something like that on my conscience
such a storm and those huge waves
and all those homeless people 
swept away by the water
lost or drowned

(silence)

But it's not surprising
It was so hard for me
saying goodbye to my greatest talent
That I promptly forgot it
they can't blame me for that
I admit
it was careless of me
But it is part of me
Running and me
we are one

(pause)

That's how I entered history

(pause)

because I have entered history
yes
my time is frozen
immortalised in freeze
forever 'the flying housewife'
that's me
(She shows a photo, showing her vacuuming)
Look 
the housewife
who could fly with the hoover
instead of the broomstick
(laughs heartily at her own joke) 
But I am not a witch
because right after the war 
won five Olympic medals in London
But no one expected it
because I was married and had children
and then of course you can do
nothing at all anymore
(mockingly)
because once married and a mother
then you are elderly
right
and then you can't walk anymore
let alone run
So
people thought I was bragging about it
but I wasn't bragging at all
I trained
very hard
a daily spoonful of cod liver oil
a tin of brown beans
I hardly saw my children
but that was my sacrifice
I did it for them
so that they could be proud
of their mother
I did it for them
And it was worth it
of course
And then
after that victory at Wembley
back in Amsterdam
that welcome 
flags and trumpets
everyone cheering and waving
like I was the queen herself

(She sneezes)

And I got a present
from the Dutch people
yes yes yes
a brand new bicycle
makes you want to lick your fingers
and at the time that was
but now 
They would laugh at you
if as sportswoman of the century
a present of a bicycle
A bicycle
Outright
What a humiliation 
When you consider
They failed to appreciate my achievements
Pity
too bad

(She sniffs her nose)

But I am history
Not everyone can say that about themselves either
That you are history 
and will exist forever
until the end of time

(She looks for a pen and the stack of photos of herself with hoover)

By the way 
that I had withheld a bit of humour
they laughed heartily at that 
They could see the humour in that
the guards at the gates of heaven
which gave an extra breath of fresh air 
for the racers in the 2004 summer games
so
of my humour
that allowed me to bake biscuits
as it were
(She laughs, but continues seriously)
But my greatest talent
the talent of my long legs
had to be put
into the blue box
with the pink ribbon
back upstairs

(pause)

So that's what I'm doing now
packing up and saying goodbye
to my great talent
my long legs
the now pointless long legs

(She suddenly bursts into uncontrollable sobbing. A moment later she continues her story)

It's not easy

(She blows her nose)

Maybe buy one of those exercise bikes
just for form
at least it looks sporty
Where would I put it
here or
here
takes up a lot of space
such a thing
well
let's think about it

(She finds the stack of photos and a pen. She turns to the visitor)

What do you think
of such an exercise bike
Do you like those devices
in your home
Do you like sports
Do you do sports

(If the visitor answers 'Yes', the following conversation follows:)

Which one? 
(...)
Oh yes? 
How interesting. 
Did I do / never did. 
Are you the best too?

(...)

(If the visitor answers 'No', the following conversation follows:)

Oh no?
That's strange.
That's rare.

(She continues her story)

Surely everyone wants to excel at something
and you can do that with sport

(She waves her photo)

Of course you want an autograph
That's what you came for

(She signs an autograph)

This is me with the hoover
This is how I went around the world
as an example for all housewives

(She gives the picture to the visitor)

Today, Marion Jones holds the Olympic record in the 100 metres
by less than 9.8 seconds
Now the gold medal hangs around her neck
Well
today's ladies are so much faster
but they are younger and they wear much tighter outfits
they earn loads of money and have no children
So my achievement 
my 11.9 in the 100 metres is not that bad
I was standing there
at Wembley Stadium
and only one thing applied:
Here is the start
there is the finish
GO

(She sees herself going)

Gorgeous

(She sighs with longing and continues soberly)

I couldn't do otherwise
I didn't want any other way
and my parents understood that
they were farmers
but they understood that I had to walk
they did everything they could to make me walk
just walk
even as a child
my first walk was around the village
yes really
I was a super child
even then
Never lost
only then at the end of my career
but then I was sick
then I got
right between my legs
so painful
so terribly painful
so that was the end
because of that boil
still hurts
when I think about it
while
really
still infuriating
because it was rumoured
that I couldn't handle my opponent
while
I could handle anyone
I wasn't afraid of anyone
People were afraid of me 
So it was
But that boil 
Killed me 
But you don't like to admit that either
do you

(pause)

But after that it went really fast
with women's sports 
Swimming with Inge de Bruijn
gymnastics tennis athletics
all of course wearing much better suits
much tighter and faster than the wardrobe that hung around my body
because I looked like a mess
with three pairs of pants and a petticoat and a corset
so to speak

(She looks at herself in the mirror or in the window)

Whereas I am quite a beautiful woman
supple and graceful
Just like the cyclist
That cycling anyway
that it could be so feminine
that Leontien van Moorsel
and always red lips
to fall in love with, right?
yes not really of course
but
what a woman
on wheels
and all thanks to me 
For I am their great example
I don't think that up
So it says in the books
Anyone who can read can read it
In black and white
Fanny Blankers Koen
sportswoman of the century and mother of all athletes
Just like that

(She ties the pink ribbon of the blue box)

So that's that
Would you put this on the bus for me

(She sneezes three times in a row)

Three times
that brings luck
they say
would it
also when you're dead?

(She blows her nose)

Better go quickly
I'll be sorry

(Visitor leaves with the box)

Hurry up
it's urgent

(She calls after him/her)

Remember other destinations
Thank you
Bye