Ode to Winnie Sorgdrager | Grief, too, can lead to something positive, I have found

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WINNIE

(Winnie scans a text by Seneca, while throwing darts)

'Much of our lives
slips away while we are doing bad things,
most of it while we do nothing,
life as a whole
while we do something different
than we should'

(She repeats this text two or three times, becoming increasingly fanatical about throwing and that
echoes in her voice, until she resigns herself to all the missed (not in the bullseye) darts and
calmly continues...)

Noble Lord
Seneca
you are so right
So incredibly right
but still I think
(She looks at the arrow)
this arrow is
(She concentrates on the rose)
a bull's-eye
(She throws the arrow)
Miss
Pity
and painful
while someone watches
Throwing wrong so mercilessly
My punishment for wasting my time
if I am to believe Seneca

(She turns to the one who entered)

sorry Seneca
I don't think
I'm wasting my time
(She smiles to her guest)
I don't believe in God
I believe in Seneca
A great man
great philosopher
but strict
very strict
to others
and to himself
‘The most reprehensible thing is the loss of time through carelessness’
Yes
Could just as easily have been a statement from my father
My father was
I mean
ís a strict man
also incorruptible
and straightforward
but strict
I was brought up with
(she scoffs)
be brave, don't whine, don't cry
discipline discipline discipline
perform perform perform perform
don't squeak never squeak
act stronger than you are
keep setbacks to yourself
pay for the consequences of your actions yourself
solve your own problems
take responsibility yourself
discipline discipline discipline
perform perform perform
don't squeak never squeak

(pause)

Well
I knew that

(pause)

And it didn't do me any harm

(pause)

I am somebody
I have achieved something
I have become someone
I have become
who I am
...
In my work
In my work
I really am someone

(She looks at the arrow, considers throwing it)

But
Actually
Maybe
I think
maybe I
maybe should never have done
that
huh
that ministry
because I am
no
I'm not really a political animal
I do not live with a certain goal
as Aristotle says
'everything has a purpose
for everything falls down'
he says
(She drops the dart on purpose)
'your life is a process
so your life has a purpose'
he says
That's strategy

(She walks over to the dartboard to hang it straight)

But I'm not a strategist
not an army chief
or a political animal
(she walks back and looks at the dartboard from a distance)
but of course I said
yes
and no
no
you just don't say no to that
to the ministry
I was honoured

(She takes aim with the dart at the rose, but decides not to throw it)

But that political game
I can conclude that
is not for me

(pause)

My face
my appearance works against me
I look far too innocent
and amazed
at least that's what I hear all the time
but if you look closely
Take a look

(She lets the guest look at her)

That's because of those brown eyes
don't you think
I often get comments about it
along the lines of:
‘Are you expecting a miracle?’
No, why
'You look like that,
like you're expecting a miracle'
That's why nobody expects
I can be so sharp
That scares them
So they forget to listen

(pause)

But I don't get excited
There's no point
Before you know it
everything will be a mess
and
I can't argue
I can't stand conflict
I never know
I'd rather keep my mouth shut
But that's a problem
in politics
In politics
you shouldn't want to keep your mouth shut
Because when with Docters van Leeuwen
I was accused
that I wanted to stay out of the way
that I was too cautious
far too diplomatic
a wimp
a quiet one
Something had to be done
I was responsible
I had to take action
I had to take a stand
so I let myself be provoked
and became rock hard
rock hard
unrecognisable to myself and those around me
but it worked

(pause)

Docters van Leeuwen dealt the first blow
and the next blow came like a boomerang
from me
‘Biscuit of my own medicine’
as it is called
‘Enjoy your meal’

(pause)

But
then it was also over immediately
they no longer wanted me
because that wasn't diplomatic enough
and certainly not feminine
I was finished

(silence)

'Not how brightly a fire flares is important,
but where it breaks out'
wise words from a wise man
who Seneca

(pause)

But well
these days
things have not improved
because
as soon as it comes to
fierce discussion
I shut down
because
get shy
and when I get shy
I turn red
and when I turn red
even more shy
forget what I wanted to say
shut my mouth
crash and burn
and
I shouldn't
That's why I have to practice
(She looks at the dart)
practise practise practise
because I won't be put through the mud again
Seneca says
‘The greatest remedy for anger is delay’
and he is right after all
just wait a while
don't get on top of it right away
That's why I prefer to keep my mouth shut
That's how I was brought up
just
don't be known
it all works against you
so

(she concentrates and throws a dart)

Emotions
waste of time
cost energy
and
keep you from your work

(she condemns the dart that didn't land well)

I learned early in life
not to show too much of the inside
because I was born
when my parents
we lived in The Hague
on a small floor
they didn't have it easy
They came from the East Indies
as prisoners of war on the Burma railway line
my father
I mean
and my mother in the camp
were bored to death
but no one
not a word
never a word about it
For that matter
the house was quiet
shall we say
dead quiet
What I know
I know from my grandfather
not from my father
or mother

(pause)

so I didn't come at the right time

(pause)

but I did come at the right time
it turned out later
because I never had to do anything
for my career
I mean
the train always stopped at the right moment
and the door opened in front of me
That's how it was
I made sure I was ready
To board
with enough luggage and dressed to the nines
my outside was always fine
never arrive like a drowned cat at an important meeting
there are people
women never men
They do that
They arrive drowned
applying for high office
dripping with misery
So stupid
we'll never get women to the top like that
At times like that I also think
if only they had stayed behind the kitchen counter
yes
Better to wring yourself out over the sink
than at the expensive oak desk
of Mr Shell Director

(She collects all the darts she has thrown in the meantime)

I'm not being very nice right now
I realise that
I'm not very nice either
I look nicer than I am
I think
I wasn't very nice as a child either
my sister was much nicer
But that's not the point
it's not about being nice
it's about being somebody
that you can mean something in the world
because
'A dot is our life,
yes even less than a dot'.
says Seneca
or in other words
don't think you're anyone
But you can still try to become one
Take out what you can get out
I would say
And you don't get there by being nice
That's very stoic
I know that
but I do have a thing for the Stoics
But beware
They're dangerous guys too
so rational
That can only lead to repression
You think you can control your emotions
but it makes you aggressive
because they accumulate
those emotions
they want to get out
I am reminded of that Italian film
La Meglio Gioventu
there's a character in that
Matteo
he is miserable
but he doesn't talk about it
he holds on to his sadness
and at one point he's full
and then the bomb bursts
he lets them explode
those emotions
explode
on the paving stones
but then it's too late

(pause)

Is a brilliant film though
La Meglio
Gioventu

(silence)

so
I allow them
that's what I do these days
I have learned that
I no longer ignore them

(pause)

Acquiring wisdom
is not only a matter of knowledge
it is also about experiences
Even sadness can lead to something positive
I've noticed that

(she throws all the darts in succession and hurts herself on one)

Maybe I should do something meaningful
something else
not for a while

(She reflects)

just a plaster

(She goes in search of a plaster)

no patch
no band-aid anywhere
just a drink then

(She pours a glass of sherry)

Taking good care of yourself is also an art

(She raises a glass)

‘While we are postponing, life speeds on’
Cheers!
To Seneca

(She empties the glass and pours another)

'We are all sinful. Therefore whatever we blame in another we shall find in our
own bosoms.'
Cheers!
To Seneca

(She empties the glass and pours another)

Another glass?

(She pours another glass for the guest, whether they want it or not.)

Cheers!

'Much of our lives
slips away while we
poorly,
most of it while we
do nothing,
life as a whole
while we do something different
than we should'

Cheers!

To Seneca

Would you have liked another glass?

(For one guest emphasis on ‘even’ and for more guests emphasis on ‘you’)

No, that's enough
I have to concentrate on the arrows again
because I won't let myself
I'm not going again
it's about focus
Do you understand?
Anyway...
as long as you understand me

(Winnie grabs the bottle and the glasses and the bottle and puts them away.)

Goodbye!